Good morning, evening or night, whenever you are reading this. I hope you have/ had a great day.

I’ve only just started blogging so I don’t know how this is going to go, but I have decided to start this due to my mental health and I think it might be a good way to get my feelings out there and to talk about them, it’s been a bumpy ride through my life and I will get into all that further on into the blog.

My name is Tailer Murray, I was born on the 24th December 2004, which makes me 18 years old. I have two brothers, one older and one younger, I am located in Doncaster and have lived here all my life, I’m a college dropout and jobless, so fun, right?

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~CHAPTER ONE~

I was born into a perfect household, me, my older brother and my parents, my dad would always call me “princess” and would treat me like one. I remember the days when I was around 5 years old, my dad used to play with my bratz dolls with me, putting on a girly voice to make me laugh. I can say I was definitely a daddy’s girl, my dad cared for me like no other ever will, he is such a sweet, caring and warm-hearted man, and will always be my hero.

Me and my mum was close but not as close as I was with my dad, me and mum would have “girly time“ as we called it, where we would watch films, even though I had already seen said film and would spoil everything that happens by telling mum what would happen next. Typical child huh?

My older brother? Yeah, no we would play WWE wrestling in the living room whenever my parents were in the kitchen so we wouldn’t get told off incase he “hurt me.” A bit of a disadvantage if you ask me, I was around 6 and he was 11, so you can definitely tell who would win every time.

But when I was 6, everything changed, I was no longer the baby of the house when my younger brother was born. Don’t get me wrong, he was a gorgeous baby and my new best friend, but me and my older brother didn’t get hardly as much attention as we used to.

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~CHAPTER TWO~

This chapter is about my grandad, oh what a man he was, funny, warm-hearted and the most caring person you would ever meet.

My grandad was my best friend growing up, he’d do all sorts of activities, he was very much into his gardening and art, whenever I’d help with his gardening he’d sneak out an apple for me just for helping him and he’d say “eat it quick before your nanan sees.”

I once helped my grandad make an acoustic guitar from scratch, I mean it was absolutely massive but he put pictures of his youngest grandchildren at the time, scattered around the base of the guitar, some right muggies if you ask me.

His famous words were “would you like a Murray mint?” And would open the drawer beside him that was full of Murray mints, can you tell they were his favourite?

Moving to a few years later, grandad got ill, he was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, one thing I never wanted to find out, he began to lose a lot of weight and would sleep a lot more than normal. Grandad was given a syringe driver that was connected into his body to help with his cancer. This is where it starts to go downhill for him, he would hallucinate, thinking a pink bin in the middle of the room was a dog and thinking there was a random person in the back garden so my mum would have to go out and pretend to fight them.

Grandad started to lose a lot of weight and became literal skin and bones. One day the syringe got taken out after improving, but then started to go downhill once again, nanan would phone the doctors all day trying to get a new syringe, and after all day of waiting the nurse put the syringe back in, and that’s when he started to “relax.” 7th December 2015, he passed away that night. It definitely broke my heart, my best friend was gone.

I can say this is where my mental health started to decrease, looking back, I wish I would’ve helped more, yes I was 10 years old, and couldn’t do much but I feel now like I just sat and watched him fade away.

His funeral, 21st December 2015, 3 days before my 11th birthday, I was allowed to attend the funeral, which I’m glad I did, however, I couldn’t say goodbye, I didn’t have it in me.

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~CHAPTER THREE~

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

At the age of 12, my mental health decreased massively, I started secondary school, and that was not at all a fun time for me. I mean I made friends, had a laugh and I even liked some of the subjects, them being, art, biology and PE. Throughout the years from year seven to eleven, I was bullied, I would be fat shamed, told to kill myself, that life would be better without me in it. As you would imagine, it took a very big toll on my life, I started to have suicidal thoughts, thinking what other people said what true. I became numb, the only way I found out how to actually feel something and have an escape from this feeling was to self harm, no one knew about anything that was going off, my parents were too busy drinking, and I didn’t want to bother anyone with my problems, so I was left to deal with my struggles alone.

It got to the point where I was fed up with being told all these lies, which at the time, I thought was the truth, I was truly sick of being fat shamed, it got to the point where it gave me anxiety to eat in-front of other people. So, whenever it came to lunch time at school, I would throw whatever that was in my lunch box in the bin, so my parents thought that I was eating my food, when in reality, I was starving myself until I got home.

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~CHAPTER FOUR~

Ever since my grandad passed away, my parents changed, they drank excessive amounts of alcohol every day, they put alcohol before their kids.

Mum none stop controlled us, we wasn’t allowed to see much of the outside world, us kids wanted a good life and to be treated with respect and given the love any mother should give their children. Instead, we spent all the time that we were at home, in our rooms, with nothing much to do, we had an Xbox and toys, but what we really wanted was a normal life, to spend family time together, to be able to go out with our friends, to be able to be trusted to go out, yet, we never had that. It’s like she put us under a spell. They chose alcohol over their own children, what parents would do that?

The neglect, the emotional and mental abuse we received was like no other, the fact my dad once said to me “what’s in my glass is more important,” referring to the alcohol in his glass. It made me feel like I was failing at being a daughter, that I wasn’t good enough.

We never truly had the chance to properly communicate with each other growing up, which affected our social skills massively, due to this, I am unable to talk about my emotions and feelings, I don’t know how to talk about them.

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~CHAPTER FIVE~

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

19th September 2022, an old friend of mine moved back from living somewhere else for a couple years, everything was fine, we hit it off, one thing lead to another, I consented, but after a bit I realised I wasn’t fully ready, I told him “stop, I can’t do this” and tried to get up, but he carried on. I told no one, I kept it to myself. I dug myself a hole and laid in it.

10th may 2023, I was house sitting for my cousin while he was on holiday, so I was staying at his house with his 3 dogs, my friend offered to come help me out and keep me company, I agreed and accepted his kindness. It got late, he asked if he could stay over, I agreed, it was the least I could do for him giving me a hand. Anyways, I fell asleep, the morning came and I woke up to him having sex with me, I didn’t know what to do, I was scared, my brain was all over the place, “no not again,” “this can’t be real,” I pretended I was asleep, hoping he would stop, but he didn’t. Then I “woke up” and he acted as though nothing happened, when he left, I messaged him saying that I know what he did. “You’re disgusting for even thinking I’d do that” is what he said to me, really? I’m disgusting? Why would I lie?

Anyways the police got involved after my cousin finding out about what happened, let’s just say, we’re in September now and they’ve done nothing about it, I’ve had to have smear like things with all the swabs, I’ve had to have bloods and injections, for what? the police have done nothing, I feel utterly lost, I can’t keep living my life knowing nothing is getting sorted, I feel so hopeless.

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Shitty life what can I say?

Thankyou so much for spending your time to read my blog.

Tailer x